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Dealing with Rejection in Lesbian Dating

Rejection. It’s bound to happen in lesbian dating. You probably have this fantasy that you’re going to begin dating, meet the woman of your dreams, fall in love and eventually move in together. While that is a nice fantasy to have, chances are, before that fairy tale ending, you’re probably going to deal with some rejection along the way.

You might ask someone out and she will turn you down. Or you may go on a date or two with someone, and she’ll decide she doesn’t want to see you again. There’s not a lot you can do to avoid the hurt feelings, but you can deal with them with dignity and pride.  Here are some tips for taking rejection in stride when it happens to you.


Realize it might not be about you at all.

While “It’s not you, it’s me,” might be a cliché, many times it is true. People venture into dating sometimes before they are ready. She might have recently been dumped by an ex and thought she was ready to move on, but as she gets out there and tries to make herself vulnerable, she realizes it’s just not time yet. Or maybe the ex found out she was dating and now wants to give them another shot. She’d be crazy not to give it another go, right? There are many reasons someone might decide she’s not ready for dating and those reasons may have nothing to do with you.

Feel your feelings, but don’t dwell on them.

Ok, so you took a big risk and asked someone out. She said no. That stings. Go home, lick your wounds, eat a pint of chocolate ice cream, call your best friend and lament. Give yourself 24 hours to feel bad, then you’ve got to let it go. Soon, you’ll realize that the rejection wasn’t that big of a deal. You didn’t die. Eventually you’ll gain the confidence up to do it again.

Let her go.

She turned you down. She was polite, or maybe she was rude. Maybe it was awkward. Regardless, unless she left an opening for you to ask her again, don’t. It can be hard for women to say no, respect her if she did.

Don’t blame yourself, don’t blame her.

Compatibility is not something that can be forced. You might be feeling there could be something between you, but if it’s not mutual, then it’s not. Chemistry is not something that can be learned or earned.  Remember, it takes two willing participants for any relationship. Even if you thought she was “the one,” she doesn’t think you’re that for her. The more you can let go and move on, the better it will be for both of you.


Use it as a learning tool
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What lesson did you learn from this encounter? Was there something you did that made her turn you down? Were you too enthusiastic, moving too fast, talking about your future together? Were you too stand-offish, not giving her enough of your time and attention?

Maybe you just needed to learn that you can ask someone out, she can say no, and hey, the world didn’t end.



If She was a Friend

If the person you asked out was a friend, you might feel awkward the next time you see her. Can your friendship recover from this? It all depends on how you handle it. The two of you might need a bit of space from each other. You might need to tend to your bruised ego and she might need to look at herself and wonder if she was giving mixed signals. If you were not super close and just getting to know one another, just try to brush it off and act the same as you always did when you see her next.  Let her know by your actions that it was no big deal and that you still want to be friends.

If she was someone close to you, your BFF that you spent all your time with, being turned down can feel like the end of the friendship. But it doesn’t have to be. Give her some space and check in with her in a few days. Make time to talk and let her know that while you wished there could have been something more, her friendship is the most important thing and you don’t want to lose that. It may take some time, but if your friendship was strong in the first place, it should be able to survive this little bump.

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